Difference of Opinion

Me: "Ew look at my nails they are so gross."
Robyn: "They look like a prostitute's."
Me: "My mom sometimes says, 'your nails look like a homeless person's,' and I say, 'Mom, homeless people don't have chipping manicures.'"
Robyn: "No, they look like a prostitute's nails. Like you've handled a lot of money... and a lot of dick."

Reasonable Doubt

Robyn: "Do you want some of my baklava?"
Me: "No thanks, I don't really like nuts."
Robyn: [raises eyebrows as if taken by surprise]

Variations on a Popular Song

Robyn, R&B style: "Apple bottom green JEANS! Eating fruit in the tub.."

There is No Appropriate Title for This

Robyn: "mah butt hurts."
Sandra: "It's from too much farting."
Robyn in a Paula Deen accent: "It's NOT FROM FARTIN YA'LL PEE N POOP YA'll!!!!!!!!!!"

In Psychology it's Called a Breakthrough

Me: "I used to have this lip gloss when I was little that was bubble gum flavored and I used to just eat it."
Robyn: "That explains a lot."

Corporate Gifts

Robyn made me this baby cupcake and his name is Cuppy:

Office Attire

Robyn: "Why are you so dressed up?"
Boss: "I wanted Caroline to remember me as a well-dressed boss."

Judicial System Continued

Me: "I don't understand judging. Like, if my friend says, 'omg DON'T judge me but I went to the store and I bought drugs,' like, how do you not judge that?"
Robyn: "You buy drugs at the store?"
Boss: [mumbles]
Me: "What'd he say?"
Robyn: "He was just laughing at you."
Boss: "Yeah, we're not laughing WITH you.."
Robyn: "We're laughing AT YOU."

Emotions on the Job

Me: "Ugh I hate when my lunch is almost done."

Robyn: (singing a lyrical melody) "That is the saddest news... I have ever heard.. i cant even contain my sorrow for you.. and your lunch almost being doneeee."

Optimism about the Future

Robyn in an email: "Hello all. On Thursday August 7th, we will be gathering in ------ at the ---- for Caroline's farewell lunch. Her last day at ----- will be Friday the 8th (lots of crying day) and so we'd like to all get together and eat and drink and be merry before her life turns to crap as she enters law school."

Gratitude

Me: "Thanks for the coffee!"
Robyn: "YOU!"

Perspective

Me: "Ugh omg there were these annoying girls at Loehmann's in the dressing room like, ' I like these shoes. Are they too New York? Hmm. I dunno if I can bring them to L.A. They are too New York! All my clothes are SO New York' and i was like OH MY GOD SHUT UP."
Robyn: "Wow. Yea. And hi, you're in Loehmann's."
Me: "Hhaha true."

Work Related Inquiries

Boss: "What I want to know, Caroline, is: is our God an awesome God?"

On Health

Boss: " I'm tired all the time and I don't know why."
Robyn: "maybe you should go to the doctor. I kind of want you to meet your grandchildren."
Boss: "You can take them to visit my grave."

Productivity

[a facebook chat convo with Robyn who is sitting 3 yards away]

Cari:IM GONNA KILL U DEAD

1:38pm Robyn: YOU

1:38pm Cari: BOP

1:38pmRobyn: I HEARD YOU LIKE TO SUCK BIG DICKS

Constructive Criticism 2

Me: [burp] "Scuse me!"
Boss: [in a little kid-ish voice] "Grossuh!"

The Judicial System

Me: "Bitch."
Robyn: [valley girl voice]: "Wow. Now I'm gonna make the rest of your summer a living hell. Like in high school. When I was popular and you were a nerd."
Sandra: [makes a face]
Robyn: "Sandra just judged me."
Me: "Judgey wudgie."
Robyn: "Judgie wudgie was a bear. Judgie wudgie had no hair."
Sandra: "What are we, in kindergarten?"
Robyn: "-Judgie wudgie was kind of a BITCH wasn't she?"

The Office is Closed for the 4th of July

Me: "Fiya cracka fiya cracka.."
Robyn: "..boom boom boom."
Me: "Whoa how'd you know that?"
Robyn: "Cause I was a cheerleader."
Me: "Oh that's what it is! A cheer.. cause-"
Robyn: "Try not to do me."
Me: "My friend was saying it all weekend and I didn't know-"
Robyn: "Please don't bone me."

Important Business Meeting

Religion

Boss: "We don't get many door to door salesmen at our house. Cept Jehova's Witnesses once in a while. And i like them."
Robyn: "What?"
Boss: "I like them! They're good! And some of them are wicked hawt."

Unwanted Solicitors

Robyn: "ugh, here come solicitors. They're selling paintings or something. In a big box.
Solicitors: "Hi! The people upstairs said we should come down and ask you-"
Robyn and Sandra: "We're not interested.."
Boss [from behind his wall where his desk is] : "GO AWAY!"
[awkward silence]
Robyn: "Um..... hehe.. we're not interested.

-30 mins later-

Robyn: "Don't yell things out from behind the wall next time! That was embarassing!"
Me : "Next time just yell something random from behind the wall, so they get confused. Like, BlaHRahhaho!!!"
Boss: "JABBERWOCKY!!!!"

Office Rules 2

Robyn: "Sandra, let's make a rule. Next time we hire someone, don't hire a DOUCHE."
(referring to me)

The Correct Way to Ask for a Favor from an Employee

Robyn: "Did you get coffee?"
Boss: "No, I didn't get coffee!"
Robyn:"Would you like some?"
Boss: [in a little boy manner] "Yea!"
Robyn: [pause] "Oh, you wanted me to get it for you?"
Boss: "Noooo I would neeever ask you to dooo something for me."

Freestyle Song Writing

Robyn [singing]: "Went upon a journey went upon a journey, the fattest girl in the whole wide world. Went apon a journey and ate a lot of cheeseteaks, the fattest girl in the whole wide world."

Reflections on Employment

Robyn [pretending to be me]:"I work in a law firm with a man and his daughter. They're very professional, and talk to me about being professional. When robyn said, 'suck my balls, suck my balls, you're a ho' , I knew that I watned to go to law school. Maybe one day, someone will suck my balls."

Listening Skills

Me: "All i wanna do is work on this website but i can't."

Robyn: "All i wanna do is zoomzoomazoom zoom and a boom boom."

Undergraduate Degrees 2

Robyn: "Are those your dishes in the sink?"
Me: "Oh yea, I need to clean them."
Robyn: "Ugh, college."

Hopes and Dreams

My friend trying to visualize Robyn: "ok so i have been reading ur blog. i am visualizing a crazy black woman OR a hippyish white lady"

[I told Robyn and she said "YES." to the crazy black lady comment]

Professional Office Memos From Robyn

Office Romance

Robyn: "This Triscuit box is brand new, and the cheese is really nice, and everytime i reach for a new cracker my heart skips a beat."

Undergraduate Degrees

Me: "Ugh. Now I just want cereal so bad."
Robyn: "You're SO collegey. Only college people want cereal."
Me: "What?"
Robyn: "That's like what college people do. Like, 'I just wish I was studying with bare feet on a desk, with an open book and bowl after bowl of cereal. Hey! Let's go hang out with that drunk guy in that room with cereal. SO college. This cereal would taste so much better with an open book. Hey Suzie, whatcha doin tonight? Oh just got some mushrooms and two boxes of Cheerios."

Thoughts on Nutrition

Me:"Mmm, don't you want Golden Grahams and whole milk right now?"
Robyn: "ew.. barf. whole milk? Ew why don't you just get under a cow? that's like drinking cottage cheese water. That's like taking water, a block of cheddar, and human being and grinding it up (makes stifled barf noise)"

Appropriate Ways to Compliment an Employee

Boss: " you look skinny."
Me: "Thanks! I lost weight!"
Boss: " I liked you fat."

Pulling Files

Robyn: (calmly and quietly talking to a fly) "Guess what fly?.. You're a baseball." (abruptly and furiously waving a file around trying to hit it)

Encouragement

Me: (singing Aerosmith) "Dream on, dream on.."
Robyn: "YOU dream on.. cause you'll never be getting {gestures to herself and does a shimmy down her body} THIS.."

Legal Matters

{while looking at the boss' new car}
Robyn: "Oh look, here's a little compartment for storage in the trunk."
Boss: "for drugs."
Me: "What? it's for drugs?"
Boss: "Yea, it's a place for drugs."

To Do Lists

Boss:"You know what we never did? sing a doo wop song! we should do that." [five minute conversation follows about what song we should sing and 'who will sing bass?' complete with him singing examples of good songs]

Office Rules

Me (singing): I can't liiive. If livin is without you.
Robyn: Hey, let's make a rule. If you're gonna sing, don't sing homo music.

Deep Ponderings

Robyn:"Pizza in the morning pizza in the evening pizza at suppertime. when pizzas on a bagel you can have pizza anytime. thank you, thank you. [pause] why would you want pizza in the morning?"
Me:"because its on a bagel, so it's allowed. its just like having a tomato bagel."
Robyn: "its just like having a VAGINA bagel."

Problem Solving

(Robyn does something funny)
Me: " I wish i had my video camera so I could get little clips of this. But how would I know when to turn it on?"
Robyn (singing): "All times [huge burp] have it on at all times [huge throwup burp] alll times [another vommity burp] (30 seconds later) I need to change my avatar, yo."

Working Hard on Law

Robyn [feat. a kitten]:

Brainstorming for an Important Case

Robyn: "Are you giving her the hot beef injection? Are you vaccinating her against virginity?"
Me: "make up one that makes no sense.. but kinda does."
Robyn :[ thinking for a few seconds] I was trying to think of taking liquid from one area.. and squirting it on another.. i.. ugh. How about those Dolphins?"

More Healthy Eating

Me: "cottage cheese is SO GOOD!"
Robyn: "I know. That's why I like to rub it on my boobs."

Business Clients 2

Robyn singing about a client:
"R. H. youuuu
are a total retard please
dont order anything from me againnnn"

An Oldie But A Goodie

Robyn singing: "I'm an old fashioned girl with a big set of jugs and I like toooo respect attorneyyyysss.... and I'll call you Mister even ifyousay Call me Steve... and I have a biiiig set of JUUUGGGGGSSS."

Creativity

A couple of songs written by Robyn are entitled:
"Wouldnt it be cool if the USA was on a surfboard"
"I got gas"

Appreciation for Hip Hop Music 2

Robyn Rapping: "ChEk OuT aLL tHeEz PaTeNtZ ThEy MaKe mAh FiLe FaT GoTtA ThRoW eM"

Appreciation for Hip Hop Music

Robyn Rapping: LUNCH BREAK! i eatz mah dan active cuz it makez me more attractive..

Legal Secretaries Still Have Time for the Pleasantries of Life

a freestyle poem by Robyn:
"gi go gi go gi go go
it feels good to do that.
to say gi go like that."

Constructive Criticism

Robyn making fun of my secretarial phone skills:
**BOOP!!** -hi.. Boss? you have a call from.. mr. blehroobah? what? where's he from? Um.. hold on.
-Sorry, where are youfrom? um.. can you repeat that? Um.. hold on.
**BOOP!!** -Boss? its mr brearrabahbah? from texas?

Madonna is a Fine Artist

Robyn, to the tune of "Hey Mr. DJ, put a record on:"

'hey mr. dj
strap a dildo on
i wanna ram it up your poopshoot'

Coworkers Comfort Each Other

Me: "Ew.. I was eating lettuce and then I was putting it away and I saw a bug in it. Ugh, and the lettuce did feel gritty when I was eating it."
Robyn: "Oh no don't worry the grittiness was probably just that bug's babies, and you probably sifted them through your teeth and stuff and ate them."
Me: [silence]

Uncomfortable Business Interactions

Robyn playing a game on the comp.: "i smoked you like a black and mild bitch."
Me: "mmm those smell good."
Robyn:"YOU smell good.. i mean ..ew. that was weird'

The Psychology of Interpersonal Relationships

Robyn on Jessica Simpson: "I think she prob likes it in the butt, and all these guys are liek ew, i dont wanna do you in the butt"

Business Clients

Robyn:"awww patricia h. is so cute. i wanna put her in a box.. and give her hay. "

Fatherly Sensitivity in a Family Run Law Firm

Robyn:"guess what made me cry this morning?"
Boss: "a bird."

When Running A Business, People Magazine May be a Good Choice of Literature to Have in One's Office

Robyn, glancing at a People Mag headline with a similar title: "'My untold story.. by Caroline. i am stupid, and have not told anyone. the end.'"

Patent Law is Unpredictable

Robyn: "Hi! im Caroline this is my son chode o matic.. but he really prefers it if you pronounce it, [singing in a low voice] 'chodo-madic'"

Foreign Languages

Me (singing):"Sur la pont d'avignon.."
Robyn (singing): "il y a un patent japonais! je besoin un translation en englais!"
Me: "That rhymed! that was a good song!"
Robyn: "Merci."

Creative Songwriting Sometimes Helps You Through a Tough Work Day

Robyn: "suck mah balls suck mah balls youre a ho and you wanna suck my balls. get on your knees and suck my balls. suck em, balls, duh nuh nuh nuh"

On Politics

Robyn: "mah boyfriends name rhymes with.. rarack rorama."

Variations on a Childhood Song

Robyn: "how much is that penis in the window?"

Our Fine American Postal Workers

Me: "this weekend i got a manicure with warm cream"
Robyn: "here comes your bf [mailman], maybe you should tell him about the warm cream"
Sandy: "all over your body"

On Celebrity Baby Names

Robyn: "Sahara.. what kinda fag name is that"

The Fine Arts

Robyn:"mah rock band arm is fierce hurtin"

30 mins later: "ughh my rock bahnd arm, seriously.. but you shoulda seen me..reeewreeeeew"

Film Reviews

Robyn, in a valleygirl annoying chick voice, after I tell her, shut up, the SEx and the City Movie was so good:"If you say one bad thing about Carrie I swear to GOD i'll effing kill youah.."

Summer Attire

"i hate bathing suits"-me
"i prefer to call them lard display cases"-robyn

Simple Facts

[robyn farts]: "like, we're in a lawfirm. when you were hired, u were wearing a suit."

Advice on My Future Career Choices

Robyn:"omg you could do pies and porn! over here we have the berries and teh anal. And here we have girl on girl and the "fruits with pits." And lastly here we have the savories and the gays!"

On Eating Healthy

Robyn: "Who do i have to fuck to get these almonds outta here"

Compliments

Robyn:" she was just really annoying and abrasive. kinda like you."

Rules on Politeness

Me: "omg i found a Shih tzu on Petfinder named Charlie"
Robyn: "Dude don't cuss."

How to be demure

"I'm gonna laugh my tampon out"- Robyn